I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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