Heybabeimwearingurpanties
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
