if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
