guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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