Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
