I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
