Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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