I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize