i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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