Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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