put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
