I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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