Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Randomize
