i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
