Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I skipped work to stalk him.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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