Can i not drive my cunt home
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
