I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize