note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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