The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
