I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
