i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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