apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i came on her dog
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
