i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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