dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
