My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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