Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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