you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
