I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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