I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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