I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
