he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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