Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
