I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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