Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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