mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize