I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When did angry sex become our thing?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
