Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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