Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
