I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I think my moral compass just broke
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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