I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
foreskin is a definite game changer
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
