ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
