I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
