hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
