dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
