I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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