Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
