my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
im holly from the hills drunk
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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