and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
