the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
