We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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