the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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