Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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