i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
